Blood fills my mouth. My body aches, screaming for me to stop. But I can’t. We can’t. I’m not going to stop here. Not going to give keep when I still have a ways to go.
I. Am. Going. To. Keep. Going.
There is nothing anybody can do or say to stop me. Not anymore. I will emerge from the other side. I will be able to rest then. Heal my pains. Ease my mind of its troubles. Feel the warmth of the sun not the flames that are behind me. They can’t hurt me here. I am safe now.
How does your mindset change?
Is it through an immediate switch?
Or is it more like a distinct but gradual process to be aware of more than what you already knew?
Now there’s nothing wrong with change coming all at once.
Like a light switch being flipped on.
But there’s a certain specialness in the ebb and flow of development.
Like Rome not being built in a day.
Taking a large chuck of information and breaking it apart.
So learn more.
About Yourself and Others.
About the world and your place in it.
Take it one day at a time.
“What do you want to be remembered for?”
I wish I could say something humble like “Oh I just want to be remembered as a good person, someone that was well-liked by others.”
No. I want to be more than that. I want to be the spirit that people say, “she was a mess, but man did she know how to have a good time.”
The person that seems so unassuming, but they are filled to the brim with all kinds of things you could spend hours listening to.
“She seems so well-mannered.”
Look beyond that. I’m begging you. I am more than that. Don’t remember me like that.
I’m reckless in a very covert way. I’m quite smart but I’m so stupid when it comes to simple concepts.
I like a very well-organized mess. Explains some of the groups I joined and the people I liked-
Ehem. Anyways.
I want to be remembered for my talents and my shortcomings.
I can keep a mean planner, but dang can I stop being late for stuff I planned over a week ago?
Such a sharp dresser but please lotion up those ashy ankles yeah?
That’s what I want to be remembered for.
I used to love you. Wholeheartedly. It’s almost sad and pathetic how much time I spent mourning the loss of that feeling. I hated the day when I realized I didn’t love you anymore. Like it sucked. It meant so much. I was a new person then. And I was scared. We both know how much I hate change. I wasn’t the person you knew anymore.
I wasn’t the person that I knew anymore. For some good reasons.
And some bad.
But that’s a part of being human and I’m going to continue growing into the person I’m to be.
No regret. Never regret anything, everything’s a learning experience. Regrets are fo suckas said the wise philosopher Ludacris.
But what if?
What if I worked harder? What if I said no more? What if I left bad situations sooner? What if? What if-
What if I’m just being too hard on myself? What if I’m just a human being that makes mistakes and has triumphant moments in equal shades? What if I needed the times that made me who I am?
The person that feels things too deeply, truly wants to see the best in people. The best in herself.
She really broke up with me. Three years down the drain in an instant. She didn’t even give me a chance to fight for her…
“Well aren’t you perfect?”
My head snapped up.
Nobody was there.
I sighed and looked back down at my phone. Laying on it was a card.
Heartbroken and Alone?
Check Out Ember!
“Ember?”
I picked up the card. It was innocent enough. Just a plain yellow-orange card with the tagline and the name in a dark red color. But it didn’t say anything else. I flipped the card over.
And then I promptly passed out.
“Wow. I’ve never seen something like this before.”
Olivia hummed as her and Jasper took in the funeral surroundings.
All the adults were in small groups, talking, clad in their dark clothing. Meanwhile the children were running round in different shades of bright colors.
Reds, Yellows, Greens, Pinks, and more.
“Is this a regular occurrence?” Jasper asked in a slight awe.
He was really mystified by what he was seeing.
“Yeah. My great great grandma had this thing about funerals being too depressing after attending her mother’s so before she died, she told her children to make sure the young ones weren’t wearing black. Said it didn’t settle right in her soul that the babies were in such dark clothes.”
Olivia brushed some strands of hair from her face.
“Apparently when she died and they carried out her wishes, it made people feel better about the situation. Like yes she was gone but it didn’t have to be a completely miserable experience.”
Jasper hummed. “So is it working for you?”
The young woman shook her head no.
“I really wish it did though.”
I often used to (and still do) wonder when I’m going to be happy. And it dawned on me.
Yo. You’re happy now. Every single day.
I have loved ones that care about me.
My dog is still here and still gets that extra pep in his step when I have a snack for him.
Chinese food and Korean BBQ exist.
I can literally sit down and rewatch my favorite movies and TV shows with the press of a button.
My eyes still get wide in excitement whenever I look up at the moon and it looks extra neat.
And when I see an ant doing what an ant does, I cheer it on. Yeah carry that giant leaf! You go Ant!
My Life Defining Jamz playlist can go on and remind me of when I was a kid singing lyrics I definitely shouldn’t have been at six.
All this and more make me happy. But it’s not lasting.
But is it really happiness if it lasts?
Of course not.
And that’s perfectly fine.
It's 4:05 in the morning. I'm...reflecting. And it sucks. My body hurts, my mind is running at a million miles. I should be sleeping. Need to be sleeping. Nope. Thinking about stuff that in the grand scheme of life doesn’t matter. But right now it matters like it's crucial to my very existence. My legacy, my choices, the responses I made about situations, of people, all coming back to haunt me. Like the ghost of past time, wrapping cold dead hands around my chest, squeezing, squeezing until I can't breathe. Will the feeling ever end? Or am I doomed forever?
Loneliness seeps into the bones like rain getting into an umbrella with a hole during a storm.
It’s cold. It’s dreadful. It’s miserable. It’s-
A feeling you don’t want.
Something you don’t need.
It’s unwelcomed.
Loneliness doesn’t care that it saps your warmth.
Doesn’t care that your life was a mess already.
Doesn’t care that you really didn’t want to get wet when you’re already having a bad day.
And that you will kill to just get a break.
But it’s going to continue to burrow and settle in your mind.
In your clothes.
Your heart.
Your shoes.
Your soul.
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