Big Steps

“Hey. You. It’s time to wake up.”

No response.

“Yo. Kwon. It’s time to wake up. Alarm went off thirty minutes ago.”

The young man groaned in pain as he felt a heavy something hit him dead on the forehead. He cracked open his eyes and saw yellow. Opened them a little more and saw the object for what it was.

A lemon.

Again.

“You have got to stop waking me up like this.”

He sat up in bed with a heavy sigh, scratching at his face.

“I wouldn’t have to wake you up like that if you just got up in the morning.”

Kwon shook his head. Why couldn’t he just get up on his own time?

Oh yeah. Because society says we have to. The earlier you wake up, the more productive you are. And you have to be productive or else.

So with a tired grunt, Kwon got out of bed and started getting ready for the day.

“Are you sure you still want to go for the red? Melissa hates that red shirt.”

Kwon turned around, brows furrowed.

“Who the hell is Melissa?”

A scoff.

“You know Melissa. The girl that sits two rows behind you in your Advanced Chemistry class.”

Ah. He knew Melissa. Judgmental Melissa. Melissa that’s got beef with him for no reason. The starer.

“I’ll wear the green one then.”

“Excellent choice.”

Kwon finished getting ready, slung his book bag over his shoulders and headed for the door.

“Wait! Don’t forget about me!”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As soon as Kwon stepped out the door, he was doomed. The day so far was abysmal to him. His coffee he picked up tasted like crap, he was ten minutes late to his class and missed the quiz because of a sidewalk closing, forcing him to take the long way around. On top of that he missed a video call with his sister Jia and who knows when he’d be able to talk to her again.

Now he was sitting in his chemistry class trying to take notes. But the entire time, he could feel someone’s eyes boring into the back of his head. He already knew it was Melissa. She did this every class. Normally he could ignore it but it was difficult today due to his already frazzled mind.

“You know there’s still some time to drop the class. Try it again next semester when she’s not here. You’ll be much happier and be able to focus.”

Kwon continued to take notes, brushing off the suggestion. He eventually tuned out everything that wasn’t the professor’s voice. But every so often stuff would slip through the cracks.

“The advisor’s office is literally down the street. Wouldn’t take long at all to change your schedule.”

“You know sometimes it’s best to cut your losses and try something new.”

“Why torture yourself?”

Kwon was begging for class to end. He couldn’t take much more.

Luckily Kwon’s prayers was answered and the professor wrapped up the lecture.

“Before you all go, I’ll be passing back your exams,” the woman told them. “Some of you did quite well. As for the rest of you, you might want to reevaluate if this class is the right fit for you. There is some time to drop with no consequences.”

With that, she started calling them down, row by row, starting from the back. When she got to Kwon’s row, he grabbed his stuff and headed down. He stood in line for a bit, but when he got to his professor she had a pleased expression on her face smile on her face.

“Excellent job again Mr. Williams,” she congratulated as she gave him his exam. “You’re going to be a shoo in for that internship if you keep this up. And as a junior? Most impressive.”

He nodded, mumbling a thank you, and headed for the door. He looked down at the paper in his hand with a hum.

94.

“On the fast track to the money~”

His shoulders slumped. He really wanted to be happy but that score was weighing him down. With a sigh, he folded it up and tucked it into his pocket. On his way out to the hallway, he saw Melissa. She was with some other people in the class, all of them looking at their exams.

“I cannot believe I made a 63,” she complained. “I studied so hard!”

She made eye contact with him and her expression grew nasty. Kwon left before she could say anything. He already knew it was going to be some kind of insult about how he didn’t belong in the class when she was the one struggling. Maybe that was the reason she was so awful to him. It had to be because he hadn’t done anything to her except exist.

But whatever. He had more important things to worry about. Like the internship. But that quickly stressed him out so he just focused on the rest of the day.

He went through the rest of his classes with minimum headaches. But that changed when he got to work. He worked at the university’s bookstore and he truly couldn’t wrap his head around why the people that came in were so rude to him over things he had no control over.

Day in and day out of dealing with Melissa and her foul attitude and staring. Then having to come to work and deal with the horrendous customers. Nonstop. Aggressive attitudes. He wanted nothing more than to give them a piece of his mind and-

A lemon hit him in the face. Kwon growled.

“Stop. That.”

Another beamed him in the shoulder.

“No.”

Before he could respond, a person came up to counter and dropped their stuff.

“Hello?” they called, annoyance dripping from their tone. “I’m ready to be served.”

He greeted them politely and got them rung up and out of his face. He looked up at the clock. A few more hours and he’ll be able to go home.

A few more hours that went by excruciatingly slow. By the time he was locking up and heading back to his apartment, he was half tempted to just sleep on a bench. But common sense won out and he dragged himself to his apartment. Shoes were kicked off as soon as he walked in and He felt just enough of a jolt to get to the kitchen. Next he grabbed a beer from the fridge, chucked his bag by his bedroom door, and plopped down on the couch. Once he felt like a comfortable lump, he cracked open his beer and took a deep sip. He was content with staring at the wall when his cell rang. He digs it out of his pocket and answers.

“Hey Mom,” he greeted, sitting up a bit. “What’s up?”

“Just checking on you,” she replied. “Making sure you’re staying out of trouble and doing well in your classes.”

He nodded even though she couldn’t see him.

“Yeah grades are great. Got a 94 on my recent chem exam.”

“Really? Great job! That lab internship will be yours for sure!”

Kwon’s stomach dropped.

Over the course of the day, he had started to forget about that. He wanted to. And he had a reason.

Simply put, he didn’t want it. He liked chemistry sure enough, but he didn’t want to do it as a job. It would’ve burned him out.

Make him lose his passion.

Surprisingly, what he wanted to do instead was teach. Help others see the fun of it, make them passionate about it so they would be the ones to work in the labs.

But unfortunately he needed to make money. His mother didn’t pound in his head how important it was to not be poor for him to go into a profession that wouldn’t make him much money. Plus she always told him what a role model he would be for other little black kids. But why couldn’t he do that as a teacher?

“I’ll probably get started on the application this weekend,” he told her, trying to keep his tone casual. “I’ve got quite a bit of work to do this week.”

“Alright then I’ll let you go so you can go back to work. Don’t forget to do that application!”

Kwon’s shoulders slumped. “I won’t. Bye Mom. Love you.”

“Love you too Baby. Talk to you later.”

He hung up and chucked his phone off to the side. He downed the rest of his beer and went back to staring at the wall. He didn’t know where his mind was.

“You know it would be easier to ride out the chemistry track. Make some easy money and go from there.”

It would be easy. So easy.

But was easy what he ultimately wanted?

He didn’t know. So he did what he knew he wanted to do in that moment.

“Don’t you have some studying to do?”

“I’ll study later,” he answered, standing up from the couch and heading to his room.

A lemon hit him on the back of his head. He growled in annoyance, rubbing at the spot.

“Would it kill you to hit me with something else?”

“Probably. But also…”

Another lemon hit him as he was picking up his book bag.

“You deserve lemons.”

He rolled his eyes as he walked into his room and took a seat at his desk. He opened one of the drawers and pulled out a large notepad.

“Study time. Can’t slack on studies.”

Kwon paid the words no mind as he opened the pad and grabbed a pencil.

Then he started drawing. His favorite stress reliever.

He started off with small doodles and scribbles that soon turned into big pieces that covered the whole page.

“You plan on wasting time and letting your grades plummet thus ruining your chances of being successful or are you going to work on something that’s actually a productive use of your time?”

Kwon’s pencil stopped mid sketch. With a heavy sigh, he put away the drawings and grabbed his textbooks so he could study.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Friday finally came around, every bit of Kwon was exhausted. He had been pelted with so many lemons in the past days, he lost count. 

He had been yelled at by so many customers, he had to sit behind the counter and take a breath. Only for it to immediately start all over again. 

And he was even going to mention Melissa. She was starting to get bold about her distaste of him, expressing outwardly to others what she thought about him.

But the most tiring thing was people constantly asking about interning, working, whatever at a lab.

Just tired and over all of it. He just wanted it to-

“Kwon? Kwon Williams?”

He looked up from his computer. He was currently in the library working on a project for one of his classes, trying to not fall asleep.

But standing above him was the person that sat next to him in Advanced Chemistry.

Monroe James.

He was immediately on edge. Not because of her, she was very friendly. Always said hello when she sat down and made small jokes. No, he was worried about what she wanted. It had to be chemistry related. It was the only time they saw each other. And he was not in the mood to deal with anything chemistry. As sad as that was for him to admit.

“How are you doing today?” she asked, tucking a dark brown curl behind her ear.

“I’m alright,” he responded politely. “You?”

She nodded. “I’m good. Just got done with a group project.”

She shifted on her feet.

“But what I came over for was to ask a question.”

He inwardly groaned. “What’s the question?”

“I noticed you aced the last two exams and kill all the quizzes so I was wondering if you’d tutor me.”

Kwon’s eyes widened, trying not to cringe. But the damage was already done. Monroe noticed and started to backtrack.

“If you don’t want to that’s totally fine! I don’t want to pressure you into saying yes.”

The young man shook his head wildly.

“No! No! No pressure,” he told her. “I’ll tutor you.”

“You sure?” she asked, raising a brow.

He nodded. Tutoring wouldn’t be bad. They’d just talk chem and that’s it. Easy. Maybe it’ll spark the fire back in him.

With a wide smile, Monroe thanked him and with a plan to meet on Tuesday, she went on her way. Kwon then got back to his project.

“That was bad idea you just agreed to.”

Kwon shrugged. It wouldn’t be a bad idea. It was just tutoring. And if it was bad, he could just make up an excuse to end it. Simple.

But luckily for him he was completely right.

Tuesday came and Monroe was early for their session, even having a doughnut for him to eat. She wasn’t struggling super hard, just needed some extra support which meant the session was fairly free of stress. Both enjoyed their time and agreed to make it a Tuesday, Thursday, and early Friday appointment. The more they met, the more they bonded. Monroe proudly showed off her 90 on the last exam and thanked Kwon by buying him lunch. While eating they talked about whatever was going on in their lives. Monroe talked about her boyfriend and being in orchestra while Kwon discussed his crazy customers and his kid sister that was studying abroad in South Korea for the semester.

Overall, they were becoming fast friends.

They were working on homework one day in the courtyard due to it being a nice day out when Monroe stopped and looked up at Kwon.

“I just realized I never asked you what you wanted to do with your chemistry degree,” she said. “You’re so good at it I imagine you wanna work in a lab or something like that.”

Kwon balked at the words, pencil lead snapping off. He thought these meetings were safe from that conversation. He was wrong.

He had turned in his internship application weeks ago and they responded last week.

He got it. And he had three weeks to accept. Til the end of the semester. 

He figured there was a strong chance that he would get one of the five spots but seeing the congratulations email in his inbox shook him to his core. He hadn’t even told anyone that he got it. When his mom asked, he lied and told her it was a long waiting process. He should accept it. But he wasn’t sure if he should. That indecisiveness got him a many lemons to various parts of his body.

“Kwon? Did I say something wrong?”

He snapped out of his thoughts, taking in the woman that reminded him so much of his sister. They were almost the same person if it weren’t the fact that his sister was younger and never changed her signatures braids look and Monroe almost had a different look every day. Today's was a curly half up half down style with twists.

“No you didn’t,” he replied to the frowning Monroe. “I just-”

He let out a long groan, running a hand over his hair.

“I don’t know what I want to do. Well I do know but does it outweigh what I have to do?”

Monroe didn’t say anything, just closed her books and pushed them aside. She then grabbed her bag and pulled out a notebook.

“What are you doing?”

“Helping you.”

She opened it to a fresh sheet and picked her pen back up. At the top of the page she wrote his name and draw a line down the middle of the sheet.

“So what is it that you want to do? And what do you have to do?”

A lemon hit the side of his head and bounced onto the table. Both Kwon and Monroe looked at it. He then stared at her with wide eyes. Her face was blank. She then turned her attention to him, raising her brows.

“That happen a lot?”

Kwon nodded, dropping his head. “More than I care to admit.”

Monroe looked at the lemon again with a hum.

“Well alright then. Weird stuff happens. Back to the topic at hand.”

She tapped her book.

“Uh well I want to teach chemistry,” Kwon answered. “And I have to work in a lab or something top dollar like that.”

Monroe wrote down everything he said.

“Alright. And why do you feel like you have to work at a high paying job?” she asked. “Gotta pay of loans and tuition?”

Kwon shook his head no. “It’s not that. I got a full ride here. I don’t really need to make money.”

The woman whistled.

“Figures. So what’s stopping you from doing what you want?”

Kwon huffed as he sat back in his chair.

“I feel like I owe it to my mom, and society and like the whole universe to live up to my “full potential”.”

He continued. 

“I’m a young Black dude excelling in a field that doesn’t see many Black dudes much less think they could even be in the room.”

He thought of Melissa.

“I could be a role model. I want to be one but not like that.”

He covered his face. It was out in the air and he felt bad for saying it.

“Sorry for unloading all of this on you. I didn’t mean to but it’s been-”

“Kwon.”

He moved his hands at the firm tone. But Monroe had a soft expression on her face. Not judging him. Not a single bit.

“What do you want to do?”

Kwon looked down at his pants.

“I want to teach chemistry,” he answered, mumbling a bit at the end.

Monroe was quiet. She didn’t say a word just simply wrote in her notebook. Kwon’s stomach churned.

“See? I told you this was a bad idea.”

Kwon was about to say something but Monroe put her pen down and took a breath.

“Do you know how rare it is to have a Black male teacher that’s not like a coach or something like that?”

She closed her notebook.

“No matter where you went you’d be an anomaly. But that’s a good thing. You could be a role model in any occupation you choose.”

She flashed him a reassuring smile as he lifted his head.

“Sometimes we gotta be selfish. Pressures from outside influences will mess you up and leave you feeling less than all the time. Take yourself, your wants and needs, all of it back,” she told him. “It’s okay. If you wanna teach, pick up some education courses. You’d be good at it. You were a natural with me.”

“But what about the internship? Your mom was so excited and you’re going to give it up for teaching?”

“I’ve always loved chemistry, even as a kid,” Kwon said. “People saw that and how good I was and immediately started planning my future.”

He scoffed bitterly. “I didn’t want to lose that love but the longer I do this the more I feel burned out. Like I just want to walk away from it all.”

Soon the floodgates open.

“Like no matter what how bad life or work got I could count on chemistry and drawing to keep me grounded. Now chemistry’s starting to feel like a chore and because I have to work so hard I don’t have time to draw.”

“That’s to secure your future! Can’t be successful without a little pain!”

A little bit of pain? All of this was far from that for Kwon. And he knew that.

Monroe stood up and started packing up her things. Kwon was heavily confused.

“Monroe? What are you-”

“Get up,” she commanded.

Kwon did as he was told, quickly putting his stuff in his backpack. He then stood up and followed behind the now walking Monroe.

“Wait! Where are we going?”

He picked up his pace so he was right beside the woman.

“You’re going to be taking some big steps toward what you want to do and what you want to be.”

His heart picked up in tempo.

“What do you mean?”

Monroe stopped her steps, moving in front of Kwon. He looked down at her, not realizing how short she was even with her boots on.

“We’re going to the Student Advisement building,” she explained. “You are going to talk to one of them and get organized to take education classes next semester.”

His eyes widened as a lemon hit him, his shoulder this time.

“W-wait I can’t make a decision like this so soon,” he protested. “This is a big deal!”

Monroe crossed her arms.

“It’s going to take us approximately fifteen minutes to reach our destination,” she responded. “That’s the time you’ll get to make a decision.”

Her expression was firm and firm but it then softened.

“You’re miserable Kwon. It’s written all over you face.”

She patted her arm and kicked away the lemon.

“Are you going to stay miserable or are you going to change your circumstances?”

Kwon didn’t answer. But when Monroe started walking again, so did he. He was in deep thought, pondering over his choice. He was so out of it, he barely registered the lemons that were bouncing off his body.

Before he knew it, they were across campus and standing outside the building.

“You’re making a huge mistake being here.”

Kwon shuffled on his feet. He still hadn’t made a decision yet.

“You don’t have to go in if you don’t want to.”

He looked over at Monroe. She was looking back at him, face blank.

“But I definitely think you should go in and talk to them,” she added. “Hear out your options.”

“Ooor you can forget any of this happened and tell her to drop this nonsense.”

Kwon swallowed and squared his shoulders. He was going to listen to Monroe.

“It wouldn’t hurt to look into it I guess.”

Monroe nodded. “Okay then.”

She stepped forward and opened the door. Kwon walked in, holding it open for her. A lemon rebounded off the door as Monroe followed behind. The two headed to the elevators, footsteps echoing in the empty lobby. A called elevator quickly came and they got on.

Kwon still hadn’t made a choice.

Up and up they went. More and more his nerves grew. Another lemon hit his side and fell to his feet.

A few moments later, the elevator dinged and opened. They got off and were staring at the doors to junior advisement.

“You ready?” Monroe asked.

No he wasn’t. But he was going to have to be. He steeled himself and started walking, the woman by his side.

“Good afternoon!”

They were greeted by a bubbly blond secretary at the front desk.

“Good afternoon,” they chimed back.

“What can I help you with?” the woman asked.

“Uh well I was wondering if there was an advisor I could talk to for a schedule consultation,” Kwon answered.

“Well today is a good day for that,” the blonde replied. “It’s pretty empty today so just fill out this out.”

She handed him a clipboard.

“Bring it back and someone will call you in a few minutes.”

Kwon nodded. The secretary then turned to Monroe.

“And you miss?”

“Oh no. I’m just here for emotional support,” Monroe said waving her hands.

The secretary nodded and the two went to take a seat.

“It’s not too late to quit all of this and leave.”

That was ignored by Kwon and he filled out the paperwork. In no time at all, he finished, gave it back to the blonde, and sat back down.

“You nervous?”

Kwon shrugged.

“Little bit. But I’ll be fine.”

Monroe patted his shoulder. “Yeah you will be.”

The two chatted casually until he was called. He stood up, heart skipping a beat and his palms getting a bit sweaty. Monroe promised to stay put until he got done and he went off with the advisor. But the longer he walked with the other man to his office, the more at ease he felt. 

They made it. They talked. Looked over all of his options.

Kwon finally made a decision and he was going to stick with it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Free was the best way Kwon could describe how he was feeling. Maybe even light. It was two weeks after his meeting with the advisor and he felt good.

At ease.

“I’m proud of you. Made the right call.”

He agreed. He didn’t understand why he tried to fight it. He was the master of his fate. He controlled his own narrative.

Everything he needed was right there all along. He just blinded himself to it.

“So what’s the next move now?”

Before a lemon could hit his face, he caught it and placed it on his desk.

“I’m going to text Monroe and reschedule our lunch outings, then I’m going to call my mom and Jia and tell them I’m turning down the internship.”

He placed a book in front of him. How to Educate.

He then turned around.

“And stop giving me lemons,” he said. “Try apples. Those are more useful for me.”

He smiled.